Volume 4, Issue 1, Fall 2000

Reviewed by: Joy Hart, University of Louisville

Friendship matters to women; it matters a lot; women today – with lives often in transition – depend on friends more than ever. Many who once believed family was the center of life, with every myth and movie and fairy tale having the same married-happily-ever-after ending, now know that friends may be the difference between a lonely life and a lively one. As they turn over the Big Birthdays, women are taking deep breaths and looking around at the other women who are their fellow travelers and saying - sometimes for the first time - this person is important to my life; indeed this may be my most sustaining relationship of all. (p. 12)

In their book I Know Just What You Mean: The Power of Friendship in Women’s Lives, Ellen Goodman and Pat O'Brien open with a list of what they know about the other (e.g., “She once entered the Pillsbury Bake-Off,” “She gets more catalogues than anyone I know,” p. 8, and “She eats carrots when normal people eat chocolate,” “She’s the only person in America who lost her Pulitzer Prize citation instead of framing it,” p. 9). But these are the only lists – the rest of the book is a tightly written mix of narratives (both personal ones and those of others), analysis, and insight, supported amply with literature from across the social sciences. Although it is an ambitious goal to assess the import of friendship to women, simultaneously analyzing their friendship and friendships of other women and placing such relationships in the academic literature, Goodman and O’Brien do an admirable job with the undertaking. Their introduction, 12 chapters (each opening with a story segment), and epilogue provide for an interesting read – one that somehow manages to both satisfy the reader and leave the reader wanting more.

In the introduction, Goodman and O’Brien assert that their goal is to “show the way friends travel with us through life – all of it or part of it” (p. 13). More specifically, they:

wanted to get at the fragility and the strength of relationships that are not assigned at birth, not officiallyblessed at ceremonies, not granted any legal status, not invested with social demand for performance, but which “merely” carry us through life (p. 13)

The project involved one year of conducting interviews with women from an array of backgrounds (e.g., teenagers, retirement home residents, business partners, new mothers) and a detailed analysis of their own friendship, relations with other friends, and influence on family life.

The book’s chapters can be seen as falling into three parts. Part 1 examines the beginning of the friendship between Goodman and O’Brien, works to define friendship and its qualities, and discusses differences between female and male friendship patterns. Part 2 explores the terrain of friendship, both the fun parts (e.g., play) and the hard parts (e.g., anger). Part 3 focuses on the cement of friendship and questions assumptions about appropriate limitations.

Part 1 contains three chapters. Chapter 1 traces the authors’ Nieman Fellowship year at Harvard – their first thoughts about each other, the first lunch, awareness that they were becoming friends, and promises to remain friends after that initial bonding year. Chapter 2 looks at the role of talk in women’s friendships. Although acknowledging that the “culture trivializes talk between women” (p. 35), Goodman and O’Brien conclude that “talk is at the very heart of women’s friendships, the core of the way women connect” (p. 34-35). In fact, their title, “I Know Just What You Mean,” was selected because it was a recurrent phrase interviewees used to describe their friendship talk and because it “resonates for women because it conveys what friends offer each other at the core: understanding, empathy, and care” (p. 37). Chapter 3, which addresses male and female friendship patterns, provides an adequate overview, but is one of the least detailed chapters in the book.

Part 2 consists of five chapters. Chapter 4 discusses the role of friends as catalysts of change. According to Goodman and O’Brien, “friends can be the collaborators, the instigators who make change possible” (p. 71), and they provide several narratives illustrating this claim. Undergirding this potential for growth is a fundamental trust that the other has your best interests at heart. Chapter 5 celebrates the importance of play in friendships, especially adult ones. Across their interviews, all long-term friends mentioned fun as a key element of the relationship. Goodman and O’Brien conclude “the richest friendships that we have encountered are light as well as strong, bound by laughter as well as serious talk” (p. 97). In Chapter 6 and then again later in Chapter 8, Goodman and O’Brien tackle two topics not often associated with female friendships – competition and “the bad stuff.” Through examples and narratives, the authors shed light on various sorts of competition, such as workplace and sports. Too often, it has been assumed that friendships between women are rooted in collaboration and cooperation and that only friendships between men harbor competition. However, this assumption has been challenged (e.g., Werking, 1997), and Goodman and O’Brien do a considerable amount to open discussion on competition in female friendships. Thus, this chapter should serve as a springboard to additional scholarly research. Chapter 8 centers on “the bad stuff,” such as anger, cliques, and betrayal. For example, Goodman and O’Brien assert that:

Anger with a friend is a surprise. Women act as if in a good friendship, there shouldn’t be anything to be angry about, that the absence of anger is what makes friendship safe (p. 164).

But more likely, the ability to be strong enough to work through such anger can deepen and strengthen friendships. The examples and narratives in this chapter powerfully convey the authors’ point and underscore their concluding argument – that resiliency is needed when “the bad stuff” happens. Chapter 7 addresses life transitions and their influence on friendships. Such transitions include the introduction of new romantic partners, the birth of children, and moving to different cities. Goodman and O’Brien conclude “it is in transitions that we find out if friendship has elasticity” (p. 140). Most importantly, successful navigation of the various challenges and changes presented in Part 2 serves to cement a friendship.

Building on the above, Part 3 focuses on the “cement” of friendships. Chapter 9 expresses the import of sharing, being there, and allowing for change. For example, Goodman and O’Brien discuss the role of similar ideals and experiences, as well as the importance of sharing these through talk. Chapter 10 examines the culturally assumed limits of friendship. Because friendship is a voluntary relationship, often certain kinds of help are not sought or offered (e.g., financial). Goodman and O’Brien assert that “there really are a lot of subtle messages in our society about the limitations of friendship” (p. 211). But some friends “create mutual aid societies” (p. 214) and go to amazing lengths to provide support. This chapter is filled with poignant examples of friends surmounting assumed limitations. Chapter 11 considers interrelationships between friends and family. For example, Goodman and O’Brien dissect the introduction or inclusion of romantic partners into a friendship, extensions from one friendship dyad to other friends, and developing relationships with a friend’s family. Overwhelmingly, they believe “how much richer it can be if these friendships overlap with family – and enlarge to include other friends” (p. 242). Overall, this chapter is solid, but its discussions of cross-sex friendships and lesbian friendships are undeveloped. Chapter 12 reflects on friendships over “the long run.” Goodman and O’Brien review statistics on aging women and discuss the important role of friendship in old age. Especially at this stage of life, friends may serve as a buffer against loneliness, provide us ways to help, and offer help as well. “Enduring friendship is one of life’s best payoffs” (p. 263).

In the Epilogue, Goodman and O’Brien revisit the process of writing together. During the project, several people asked them whether they thought they would still be friends when the book was completed. They note that, underlying such questions, there was an “undertone of concern that somehow or other one of us would fail the other. There was a mistrust in trust itself. The truth is that we learned to trust each other in new ways” (p. 292).This section also details other things they learned by working so closely together and what they missed – play. Additionally, the authors include a useful bibliography at the end, which should be especially helpful to any new scholar studying friendship.

Through the revelations about their own friendship, stories of their interviewees, historical tracings of famous friends (e.g., Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony), numerous short examples, and interweaving of academic and popular literature, this book succeeds in its goal – examining the role of friendship in women’s lives – and in celebrating friendship.The writing is honest, open, introspective, and insightful. Throughout the book, Goodman and O’Brien comment on “being real, not nice.”This goal also is one they achieve with the text – it seems real, and it forthrightly addresses aspects of and moments in friendship that are not nice, areas too often glossed over in the bulk of the existing friendship literature.

References

Werking, K. J. (1997). We’re just good friends: Women and men in nonromantic relationships. New York: Guilford.

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